Keep Talking
by 2SoulFishbowl
Summary: Episode tag to Abyss. Jack needs an extra push from Daniel to really start to get over his ordeal with Ba'al. Sam/Jack undertones; Jack/Daniel friendship; Jack/Janet friendship


**Keep Talking**

**Rating:** T

**Summary:** Episode tag to Abyss. Jack needs an extra push from Daniel to really start to get over his ordeal with Ba'al. Sam/Jack undertones; Jack/Daniel friendship; Jack/Janet friendship

**A/N:** Named for the Pink Floyd song by the same name

Enjoy!

I don't remember much of the past week. The sarcophagus withdrawal is simply the most recent brutal and painful experience in a long list that I wish to God I could erase from my memory. Black ops, Iraq, Charlie, Sarah, Skaara, Daniel, Ba'al… where exactly does the pain end and the joy of a vital life begin? Not to bitch or whine, there are parts of my life that I love, but, right now, it truly sucks.

My team is worried; I can see it in their faces. Especially Carter. She's barely left my side since I got back. I know that they've all been in here throughout the past few days, orders from a petite, brunette doctor notwithstanding. I wonder briefly what dark secrets they've learned about me through my delirium. I haven't said much. I don't really see the point in talking. As horrible as Ba'al's fortress was, a part of me wishes I was still there. Seeing the worry in Carter's eyes, the obvious discomfort in Jonas's, Teal'c's stoic patience, and Janet's pity is almost too much for me to handle right now.

I hear the door open and I look up. It's the Doc. I suppress the urge to tell her to leave me alone and I turn my eyes toward the sheet covering me. I hear her let out a small, disappointed sigh. I feel bad; they all wish that I would speak. Every time I don't, they each express the disappointment in their own way. It's the disappointment of everyone that really bothers me the most. Daniel told me I would be alright and I told him I trusted him… I'm starting to wonder if I spoke too soon.

"Good morning, Colonel!" the Doc says with the polite, cheerful voice that she always uses around her patients. She's shaken off the disappointment and decided to try to win me over with good bedside manner. "How are you doing this afternoon?"

I grunt in response.

"I'll take that as a 'fine.'" she says as she checks the readouts on the multitude of different machines strapped to me. "Well, I have good news for you. Your readings are all pretty much back to normal. Looks like the withdrawal is completely passed. How would you feel about maybe taking a small walk this afternoon on the surface?"

I look up at her questioningly. Though I want to get out of this infirmary more than anything, I can't stand the thought of being home alone and left to battle my demons. I doubt that Daniel will pay me a morale visit again and, as much as I don't want to admit it, I can't handle the thoughts going through my head right now. And walking around on the surface would require walking through the halls—seeing all the curious faces of airmen and other SGC personnel, dealing with all the jovial "welcome backs!" and I don't know if I can handle that right now either. I continue to look at Janet, but I say nothing. She sighs again and sits down on the edge of my bed. I'm not surprised when she reaches out and touches my hand lightly, but I do tense up a little. She must feel the muscles tighten, but she keeps her hand there anyway.

"Jack," she starts, looking at me with concern and sympathy in her deep brown eyes, "I know that you went through hell, but you need to start talking to us. You don't have to talk about what happened, just talk. It's going to eat you up if you don't."

Something in her expression catches me off guard. For a minute, she is channeling Daniel, and though her eyes aren't blue, I could swear that it is him looking at me. I shake the feeling and repay her with another grunt-like noise. I'm just not in the mood to talk. She looks at me one last time and pats my leg. "I'm here to listen when you decide to break the vow of silence." I watch her leave and then look from the closed door to the ceiling. The tiles are, if not interesting, at least safe to look at. And, when I'm bored, I try to find patterns in the pock marks that cover them.

I can feel sleep pressing in on me, but I fight it. Sleep brings dreams and after my stint with Ba'al, all of my oldest and most dread nightmares have come back with a vengeance. Still, my eyelids are getting heavier by the second and I know I won't be able to fight it much longer, especially without any real stimulation. I start to drift off when a noise pulls me back to the little hospital room.

"Wha'?" I say groggily to no one in particular.

"I said 'Hi, Jack.'"

"Daniel." I say as my eyes canvas the room and I find him, walking toward my bed from the far corner.

"Jack, you need to talk to them. They're worried about you."

"I know." I say quietly. My voice hitches a little and I am surprised. "Carter?" I ask, knowing his answer already.

He nods, an expression that only he can manage on his face. It's a mixture of sadness, sympathy, and hope. "She blames herself, Jack."

I look at him incredulously. "Why would she blame herself?"

"The symbiote." He says the word and I shudder involuntarily. That disgusting snake that 'saved my life.' He sees it, but doesn't comment. "She talked you into the blending, right?"

I look at him for a minute before I answer. "Daniel, if I hadn't agreed to… the blending… I'd be dead. She asked me to do it and, yeah… I was hesitant… but I didn't have much of a choice. Carter's smart. How could she blame herself?"

"I think she's worried that you blame her, Jack."

I scoff. "I could never--" I cut myself off. Daniel has seen more of me over the past few weeks than I would have liked, I'm not going to let him in on my thoughts toward Carter too.

"I know." He says in that voice that lets me know just how much he really does know. His sense of perception is obnoxious sometimes. "But she doesn't. And she won't. Not until you tell her… I don't get it, Jack. Why won't you talk to them?"

I look at him for a minute and consider how to best answer his question. "When I escaped, could you see me?" I ask quietly.

"Yes. I watched you until you made it through the 'gate." He says. His voice is even, but I can tell he is starting to understand where I'm going with this.

"The guard that I beat… you saw that?" He nods and I continue. "Daniel, I've done some horrible things in my life. I wasn't joking when I told you I wanted to die there. I didn't want to ascend. I didn't even want to escape in the end. I just wanted out. How do I face them knowing that Ba'al broke me?"

Daniel's expression softens from an analytical one to a compassionate one. His bright, blue eyes lock with mine. "You really don't think that you're a good person, do you? When you told me that you would kill the guards if the situation was reversed and I said that you were a better man than that, you meant it when you said that I was wrong about that. Jack, Ba'al didn't break you. You didn't give him any information--"

"—because I didn't _know_ anything, Daniel! If I had known the answers to his questions, I would have given them to him. Because he promised that if I did, he would kill me for good. He would let me stay dead. Daniel, I spent 4 months in an Iraqi prison and I didn't give those bastards anything. I've been tortured by Goa'uld before… but this time, I broke. I don't deserve to be back here. You should have let me die."

Daniel's expression changes again and I realize that ascension really doesn't make one all-knowing: he is shocked. For a few minutes, he's lost for words. I stop looking at him and return my attention to the ceiling tiles. When he does speak, his tone surprises me. It's harsher than I expected. "So, you're just going to give up on your team then?"

I look at him, shocked. "What?"

"Jack, what happened to you with Ba'al was terrible, but if you sit here and let it consume you, let it tare you away from Sam and Teal'c and Jonas and all the other people on this base that dedicated all that time to trying to get you home then you're right, Ba'al did break you and you _don't _deserve to be on this command."

For the first time since the ordeal with Ba'al ended, I feel an emotion other than defeat. I'm pissed. "Watch it, Daniel." I say in a low voice. For a minute, I forget that I'm in the infirmary and he's on another plane of existence and it feels like any other mission where he's disobeyed an order or questioned my judgment.

"Watch what, Jack? Cause all I'm watching right now is someone who I _thought_ was strong sit here and feel sorry for himself."

I glare at him and I feel my cheeks getting hot.

"You're too afraid to even talk to your friends—your _family?_ They just worked their asses off to try to get you home, and you can't even dignify them with a 'Thank you' or a 'Hey! How are you today?' You can't even talk to Sam and let he know that she's blaming herself for nothing? Are you going to let Ba'al steal your family away, too?"

I can feel myself getting worked up. My heart rate is elevating. "You listen to me, dammit! I have never done anything but try to protect my family and I will not--"

Before I can finish the sentence, the door slams open and Janet rushes in. "Colonel O'Neill? What's wrong? You're heart beat just seriously elevated!"

Before I can even process the fact that my mouth is open, I surprise myself by responding. "Sorry, Doc. It was just a dream."

If I'm surprised, she's stunned. After the disbelief, I see relief flicker across her face.

I'm embarrassed by the situation, so I flash her a half hearted grin. "I, uh--" I pause and clear my throat, "I thought maybe it would be a good idea to exercise my vocal chords a little bit."

She smiles warmly at me and she looks on the verge of tears. "I'm glad, Sir." She says quietly. "Would you like to do the same with your team?"

I look briefly toward the corner where Daniel was standing. He's gone now, but I can still feel him watching me. I nod. "Yeah, I would."

Janet turns toward the door and I know she is about to usher my team in. "Doc?"

She looks back at me questioningly.

"Could you send Carter in first? I have to tell her somethin'."

"Sure, Colonel."

As she leaves the room, I briefly look up and whisper, "Thanks, Daniel."

"Told you you'd be alright." I hear him.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… so you were right… for once." I can imagine his smile even if I can't see it.

The door opens again and Carter looks at me. I can see the uncertainty in her expression and I can feel the tension in the room. I know that I have to be the one to break it.

"Hey, Carter. How ya doin'?"

She smiles and I see relief flood her expression. As she walks to the seat at the side of my bed, she answers my question. "I'm fine, Sir. You had us all worried there, though."

"Yeah…" I look down for a second, "Sorry about that. Listen, Carter, I need you to know something."

She cuts me off, "Sir, I--"

"Ack!" I cut her off with my signature hand motion. "Me first, then you can say whatever you want."

She smiles a shy, adorable smile and nods, giving me the go ahead to continue.

"Sam," she looks up at me, she's surprised by my use of her first name, but she says nothing. "None of this was your fault." She looks ready to cut me off again. "Uh-uh. I get to finish, remember? I know that you blame yourself for talking me into taking the snake… but the truth is I didn't have much of a choice. I was dead if I didn't. And they needed the intel that he had gathered. I thought maybe he'd help us beat the Goa'uld. Obviously it didn't work out that way, but none of it is your fault, Carter. You got that? None of it."

She nods slowly. "I'm still sorry I talked you into it, Sir."

I nod. "I know. But you have nothing to be sorry about." Our eyes lock and wish that I could lean over and hug her, but I know that that would be pushing the regulations a little too far right now. Besides, Daniel was probably still hanging around and I wouldn't want to give him ammo for the next time he tried to talk me into having a conversation with my 2IC.

I do reach out and touch the top of her hand. I need the physical contact right now and so does she. "I don't blame you, Carter."

"Thank you, Sir." Her voice is still quiet, but I know that she's got it. Maybe now we can start getting back to normal.

I keep my hand on hers for another minute or so and then I reluctantly pull it away. "Better get Teal'c, Hammond, and Jonas in here soon or they're gonna think I'm playing favorites."

She smiles and nods. "Yes, Sir. Wouldn't want that."

They come in and we spend the night eating pizza and playing card games. No one talks about Ba'al or the past week, and no one has to. We are just enjoying being back in each other's company. The pizza makes me want beer and Doc informs me that I can't have beer until I go home and I can't go home until she's satisfied that I'm ready for it.

Maybe I will take that walk around the surface tomorrow…

**FIN. What'd you think? This is my first ever first person fic, so I would appreciate feedback!**


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